Within The Twilight

This isn’t going to be happy or funny.  If you want that, there are plenty of Ice Bucket Challenge videos out there… go find a few.

You may recall some time back that I talked about my fears (it was here)… or before that, my meltdown at an improv jam last November (here).

It’s all coming back again.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few weeks feeling completely alone in crowded rooms – which is usually the indication that I’m slipping back into that dark place where I wind up pushing the world away in order to prove that the world doesn’t want me around anyway.

I can’t even fully explain why – but not for the reason you think.  A good chunk of this is fueled by one incident that I’m currently under orders not to talk about.

Problem is, I suspect that other people DO know about it.

And that becomes, if not self-fulfilling, very destructive.  Now I’m seeing everyone’s behavior through the prism of “they know about this incident, they aren’t allowed to talk about it, but they’re judging me because of it,”…

Of course, if they aren’t, but I think they are, my behavior may come off as odd, so that they may be getting a distance from that.

On the other hand, if they do know, I don’t think they know the full story – just the part that makes me look terrible.  And, of course, now I’m assuming that is exactly what they know. 

That’s not the only problem – all of the facets of my life are kind of at a low point right now, and even the few steps I can take to change that don’t look promising.

And that’s when IT comes back.

IT.

The voice in my head that says I could make it so much easier for everyone else if I just take the same exit ramp that has been in the news over the last week or so.

Yeah, that one.

Don’t worry.  I don’t plan to end it all.  Then again, I doubt Robin Williams planned it, either.  Something happened that drove him into the abyss.

I wonder how many “somethings” I can take.

I’ve had a few, but all of them fairly small.  I’d like to think I’ve got a solid footing under me, and that there’s nothing that would push me in that direction.

I could be wrong.  I might be teetering on a thin wire and not be aware of it. 

But right now… right now I feel that very deep loneliness that has gotten me into trouble before.   It’s the loneliness from which I lash out at people because the dark side of my mind fools me into believing nobody cares – or I retreat from everyone because my mind fools into thinking they don’t want me around.  It’s not real.  It’s my mind playing tricks on me.  It’s taking everything and coloring it with the worst possible interpretation.

It’s just so tiring to keep fighting that off.

It’s why I’ve been disappearing early from some things – it’s easier to leave than to stay and fight the thought that nobody cares if I’m there anyway.

I’m not writing this because I want anyone to tell me I matter to them – right now, I don’t know how well the darker parts of my mind would take that, anyway. 

I’m writing this so you’re aware why I may seem a little more distant or distracted than usual. 

And I’m certain I’ll get past this.  I know my mind is throwing crap at me.  I know there’s a lot of good things happening in my life.  Really.

At least until I’m alone in a crowd, or alone by myself, and my mind tries to convince me otherwise.

There’s no need to reply.   This is a monologue for once, not a dialogue. 

I’ll be OK.

Really.

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Author: Rob Hoffmann

Occasional blogger, full-time computer techie, radio producer (basketball, mostly), improv tech guy, generally nice person (if you ask me).