Because the followup to a post like last night’s should be in as public a forum… and because after this, I’m done with it…
A few Q&A’s, where the Q is a synthesis of the responses I got last night and this morning…
Q. Should you really have written that?
A. Yes. That much I’m sure of. It’s a more open question as to whether I should have actually hit “Publish”. I probably shouldn’t have — but given where I was emotionally, that option never even threatened to become an actual thought. I was angry at myself, lashing out at the world, and damnit, the world was going to know.
Q. What happened, exactly?
A. Nope. That’s going to be a private discussion.
Q. Did I do something?
A. Probably not. If you did, I’ll let you know. But for the public record, there is no finger-pointing or blame here. Whatever did happen, I know it wasn’t malicious. It still hurt, but I know that wasn’t the intent.
Q. So we’re cool?
A. We were always cool. I fully understand this is entirely MY problem, in my head. I can’t ask anyone to do more than respect that — and almost all of the time, that’s happened.
Q. OK, then. Why last night?
A. Two things. Obviously, I felt like a line had been crossed and that set me off. But clearly, as it was the first practice after Zach’s death, I think we can assume I wasn’t quite as ready to be there as I thought I was.
Q. Shouldn’t you have seen this coming?
And that’s where I’ll switch back to just writing a blog. A good friend reminded me that I have chosen, as part of being at ComedySportz, to surround myself with a group of friends who, surprisingly enough, love to perform. It’s what they do – it’s where they feel most alive. And not only do I respect that, it’s part of why I love them. They have a talent that I don’t have (or if I do, I have no clue how to find it). They have a freedom and a lack of inhibition that I have never felt in my life.
They’re not me. And that’s both the lure and the curse. A lure because being around the art of improv fills a space I can’t fill on my own. A curse because my friends at CSz do care about me and want me to share this thing they love, and I’m not able to do so in the same way, and I’m sure they don’t quite understand why.
I guess what happened last night was all of the self-inflicted pressure of that arrangement finally popped.
So I need to make this clear. Last night’s post wasn’t about ComedySportz. There’s no intent to blame anyone there for anything. There’s so much good that comes out of being a part of the ensemble that I don’t want to give up — I hope that came across last night.
Last night was about me. It was as much an inward scream as an outward one. It was as much my frustration at myself for not being able to fix this as it was aimed at the specific incident that triggered the reaction.
And yes, there was a specific incident. I will take it up with the right people at CSz, and will not be discussing it any further anywhere else.
So to sum up… there are a lot of walls I’ve built over 50 years. Someday, I’ll find a way to explain them, and maybe punch through them. Last night, I ran headlong into one of them, and something snapped. I most likely shouldn’t have published the post last night, but as I’ve promised myself never to hide my mistakes, it’s out there and it’s staying out there.
To those who responded… I love you all. Thank you for the perspectives I don’t have, the suggestions I couldn’t have come up with, and the incredible support you’ve given.
I’ll try to keep any future implosions a bit quieter.
Now… onward to Friday night, and finding out if I can actually host an improv show. I think I can, so there’s that, at least… 🙂