So we have a “twist” tonight. Be prepared for 60 minutes of pretending to eliminate someone – all that’s left is the reason they won’t do so. With all the certainty of an anvil falling on Wile E. Coyote…
THIS! … is American Idol!
The opening montage is “a week in the life of the Idols”. After watching it, it’s becoming obvious why the performance shows are so flat – they’re all so busy being friends, they’re forgetting to compete…
Seacrest promises a “serious night of drama” that will involve the judges – then plugs the summer tour. Nothing like schizo opens…
Then we go back to LA Children’s Hospital for highlights of the mini-concert the Idols did for the kids.
We finish the opening segment with the Idols doing Alicia Keys’ “Girl On Fire” – because it’s an all-girl final four, you see. Idol creativity at its best, America…
We’re back to continue the long tradition of Ford ruining the results show – it’s another Ford Fiesta Mission, this time it’s the search for Ryan Seacrest… all four of them. Apparently, that’s the joke.
Back to the show – where Ryan has disappeared and the girls are doing the promo read. Badly.
Then we get a “5 things in 20 seconds” where the girls are challenged to tell us things we don’t know about them. Three fail. Amber succeeds. The “things” are dull. Yes, THIS is the compelling television FOX is paying for. Wow.
Now, it’s time to pretend to do results…
- Amber gets the first montage (and some hot air from Iovine – #shutupjimmy). We continue to listen to the pointless “dispute” between Iovine and the judges. And, of course, no results yet.
- Kree gets to pretend to get her results – yes, it’s “montage & Iovine” time. He’s still an idiot, by the way.
But first… Idol alum Stefano Langone is back. Yeah, I had to think for a second, too… he was from season 10, right? He’s doing “Yes To Love”. After which…
YES TO BREAK!!!
Back for more fake results…
- Candice gets to come to center stage, stand there, watch the montage, and let Jimmy Iovine be a jerk.
Really, they’re spending more time on Iovine vs. the judges than they are on the alleged reason for the show.
Fortunately, Drake left a voicemail for Candice after last night’s show. Of course, he loved her performance of his track. No, wait, he was on mic backstage, and came out to surprise Candice. I should’ve realized the audio quality was too good for voicemail…
Hey, it’s Lee DeWyze. Didn’t he used to be on this show? Oh, right, he was the 9th Idol (even though Crystal deserved it). He’s doing his new single, “Silver Lining”. It’s the best song I’ve heard on the show this week. From there…
BLACK CLOUD!!! *cough* I mean… BREAK!!!
We are 50 minutes into the show, and nothing has happened. I mean, literally, nothing.
- Angie gets her montage and Iov-idiocy. #shutupjimmy
Time for the shocking twist.
- Amber starts the first of two pairs, going stage right.
- Angie starts group two, stage left.
- Kree joins Angie, Candice joins Angie.
- One pair is the top two, one pair is the bottom two, and there’s just a…
57 minutes in. The DVR may run out before we get the “twist”. Here goes…
- The top two are Kree and Angie – they’re safe.
- The bottom two are Amber and Candice. They’re “not safe” *cough*.
- Ryan drops that the theme next week is “Now & Then”.
- He then announces that nobody is leaving tonight. What a freakin’ surprise that we all knew was coming the minute Janelle was sent home last week.
- Ryan admitted that the judges’ failure to use the save left them with a week to fill, so this turns out to be part one of a two-part Final Four.
- This week’s votes will be added to next week’s votes, and that’ll decide who gets cut from the Terrific Three.
In other words, that was a complete waste of time. Thanks, Idol, you really have jumped the shark this week.
Yeah, I’ll be back – I’m going to see this grim journey to its conclusion. But I really don’t think I’ll be back for season 13. If there is one. And that’s in serious danger right now.