…and I realize that self-diagnosing is a bad idea, especially if you’re not a professional, but I think I’ve been dealing with a touch of depression for the last few weeks (if not longer).
It’s more of a problem when I’m at home, with nobody and nothing to attempt to distract me… usually I have things to keep me busy (books, TV, DVDs, iPod, etc.) but I’ve been ignoring all of that and just kind of sitting at the computer idly browsing the same stuff over and over again.
So either I’m a touch OCD or a bit depressed. Probably the latter.
I think that’s why I haven’t been able to shake off the end of 2012 – either it triggered or fed into the feelings that have turned into… whatever this is.
I’m OK when I’m around people – which is why I’m hitting as many improv shows as possible, because that’s where I can surround myself with friendly faces, and it’s why being employed remains a good thing 🙂 – but those mornings before work and quiet nights after are really doing a number on me.
To an extent, it does follow me around (whatever “it” is, and really, I have no desire to pay someone to put an official name on it, so we’ll go with “depression”) – I mean, I already have problems connecting with people on a good day, and I haven’t had a lot of good days recently. I’ve had OK days, and some days where I worry that maybe I really am slipping a few gears mentally, but “good” days have been hard to find.
So that’s probably why, if you’ve talked to me lately, I may be a bit less focused and more flighty than usual…
…not that I’m generally a peach of a person to be around anyway.
Look, I know how I come off to people… I talk too much, I’m a bit disconnected in conversation, I’m distracted… believe me, I know I’d have a hard time talking to me if cloning were a thing.
It’s just been worse the last few weeks – or maybe I’m just noticing it more because I’m as low as I’ve been for a while – but I can see the look in people’s eyes when I’m talking to them (it’s usually “where the hell’s the exit here?”).
Then again, that’s usually the reaction – I’m definitely noticing it/admitting it to myself more.
I’m absolutely lousy at connecting.
It’s, of course, why I have such a terrible record at finding and maintaining friendships. I don’t know how to do it, really. I do the best I can, but when I’m talking to someone, I’m so busy thinking/editing/judging what’s coming out of my mouth that I really wonder how anyone can figure out where I’m going.
And right now, seeing people all but run away from conversations with me isn’t helping my general malaise.
Look, I’m not asking anyone to do anything they wouldn’t otherwise do.
I’m just trying to explain myself. I’ll sort this out – I usually do.
*looking up* Well, this wasn’t the post I originally intended to write. I’ll probably judge myself for that, too. Can’t win for losing lately…
I’ll try to do better next time. We’ll talk soon.