American Idol 11: Ninth Final Results

After a bloated two-hour tour de farce (OK, it wasn’t all bad, but I have wanted to use that line for a while)… it’s time to cut the Fab Five to the Final Four. Hollie should be the one to go tonight, but as I noted yesterday, the Round of 5 is where strange things happen…

THIS! … is American Idol!

The opening montage is set at the Fab Five photo shoot and mixed with backstage footage.  In other words, you’ve basically seen it before.  They’re even using Adele (“Set Fire To The Rain”) as the backdrop… original much?

With only five results to give and an hour to fill… this is going to filler-o-rama…

Ryan remarks that we’re “inching closer to the finale”… yes, Ryan, this season “inching” is the right word.  This has become the TV equivalent of the Long March.

We dive right into results…

  • Looks like they’re doing this one at a time.  Joshua gets called up first…
    • …which means we get an extended montage, and an early Iovine sighting… aargh…
    • …after all the filler… Joshua is… safe.  Kind of expected that.

Break… this is going to be even more painful than I thought…

Back for some Twitter pimping before the Pointless Ford Video (victimizing Colbie Caillat’s “Dream Life”)…

…and a band that’s sunk to doing Idol after a successful 10-year career.  It’s Coldplay, doing “Paradise”.  I think it was a pretape, but can’t be sure…

Break… the real reason, of course, for the one-hour results show… I wonder how much of FOX’s bottom line comes from Idol advertising…

  • OK, it’s not one at a time… Hollie and Phillip are called to the stage…
    • …another montage and more from the Crooked One…
    • Hollie is in the Bottom Two.  No surprise.
    • P2 is safe.  Also, no surprise.  If I were watching live, I’d have checked Twitter to see just how much gloating VFTW was doing.

Break…

It’s time for the Idol alum of the week… with the title track of “Blown Away”, a singer who won Idol in 2005, but couldn’t possibly win Idol in 2012 because she’s just too female… Carrie Underwood.  The performance and wind machine were clearly live… they need this break to clean the stage… I just want to know how Seacrest wasn’t blown into the Pacific by the wind machine…

Break

More results…

  • The last two: Skylar and Jessica get the call.
    • …shut up, Jimmy…
    • Jessica is safe.  Of course.
    • Skylar is in the Bottom Two.  I’m mildly surprised, but someone had to join Hollie.

Break… we’re heading into full-on padding mode… I can’t recall the last time a guest did two songs in the results hour…

Coldplay are back…with “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall”.  At least we now can be certain this was a pretape – they’re not about to haul the stage set out (and then strike it) twice during the live show… you can use Chris Martin’s extended “dance” where the judges’ table usually sits as proof, too… although I wonder whose job it was to throw confetti at Seacrest, Hollie, and Skylar in the tag to make it all look live…

Break before Hollie goes home…

  • The Bottom Two (Hollie and Skylar) are back on stage.
    • But first, we have to hear the judges prattle on.  Did I mention the show is heavily padded?
    • After almost 60 million votes, Skylar is going home. 
    • Hollie is safe.
    • I’m not even surprised.  I mean, I am, but I’m not.  The Round of 5 is where weird happens. 

Skylar sings us out with “Gunpowder and Lead”. 

Once again, America has voted out the entertaining singer – I’m surprised only because she’s exactly what flyover America usually falls for… and after last season’s country runaway (Scotty and Lauren), I was certain that there was a country fanbase that would have stuck with her longer.

I’m repeating myself… but this will wind up being better for Skylar in the long run.  Finishing fifth, she’ll probably fall off 19/Interscope’s radar after the summer tour.  I expect her to hit the ground in Nashville running, and she will probably be back for a guest appearance in Idol season 12 to promote her debut album.  Had she made it further in the competition, Jimmy Iovine might have ruined her.

The Dullsome Foursome are back Wednesday night.  With two hours to fill, I wouldn’t put it past Idol to make them do three solos and a duet each (14 songs total).  To be honest, if I have to hear P2 do three-and-a-half low-rent Dave Matthews impersonations next week, I may have to throw things at the TV again.  There’s almost no doubt that P2 is going to win this, and become the fifth comfortably-average white-guy-with-guitar in a row to win Idol.  He’s definitely the closest thing to David Cook, Kris Allen, Lee DeWyze, and Scotty McCreery in this competition.  America has spoken.  They want their WGWGs. 

See you next week.

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Author: Rob Hoffmann

Occasional blogger, full-time computer techie, radio producer (basketball, mostly), generally nice person (if you ask me).

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