OK, so if yesterday was Star Wars Day, is today the Revenge of the 5th? Of course, it’s really Cinco de Mayo, but since I don’t drink, I’m here at my post bringing you 54 minutes of fluff in search of 3 minutes of Idol results. And I suppose it’s surprising that I don’t drink… after all, I watch American Idol. It would be logical to assume that this show would have driven me to drink years ago… but no, I’ve held out. And speaking of “out”, is this Jacob’s night to be cast out from Idol… or will there be another “shocking elimination”… TONIGHT~!?
“They had one night… and two chances… to win your vote” – it’s opening montage time on Idol – “Your choice was tougher than ever.” Don’t they say this stuff every season? It’s time… roll the opening credits and bring out the cast…
Seacrest pumps the season-highest 60 million votes… and pimps Steven Tyler’s new book. Who knew that Tyler could read, much less write? It’s also J-Lo’s night – she’s performing and showing off a sneak of her new video… and not to leave Randy Jackson out, he has a bake sale this weekend. After plugs for Lady Antebellum (later, on this very stage) and the tour, we move to the Pointless Opening Song (“Happy Together”, Turtles) featuring some really weak vocals from the Top Five.
Oh wow… the first audition announcement for Idol 11 – St. Louis, Portland, Charleston are official for this summer, more to come.
And now, to ruin the vibe, it’s the Annoying Ford Music Video (“Be Yourself”).
To ruin the vibe even more, it’s the loathsome Gordon Ramsay in a segment that I would fast-forward if I wasn’t watching this live. Basically, we get to mock the (lack of) cooking skills of the Final Five, by way of plugging a show hosted by the most despicable human being in the business. AND IT’S PART ONE OF TWO??? There’s more of Ramsay’s crap later in the show. (insert defeated sigh, and a whimper for 30-minute results shows… eventually…)
Fortunately, we switch gears to something far more fun – Lady Antebellum (live) with “Just A Kiss”. Did you know that Lady A’s Hillary Scott tried out twice for AI – and failed to make it? And now she’s part of one of the hottest acts in country. I’m not saying, I’m just saying…
We’re back, for another montage. This time, it’s a search-enging sponsored segment asking about the decisions (ahem) the Idols make – like “song choice song choice song choice” – how do the Idols choose their music, and wardrobe? Needless to say, the answers aren’t all that serious. We’re finally ready – dim the lights, here we go…
- James goes first. Seacrest recap, Iovine dissing James’s performance, the usual stuff… and we’re doing the “two groups at center stage” gimmick… James goes to the far side of the stage, starting group 1.
- Lauren is next, and while Seacrest is drowned out by technical difficulties, Iovine does his best to act like he’s criticizing the producers’ golden girl. Then again, he’s got a financial stake in another (former) female Idol. Conflict of interest much? Oh, right… Lauren goes to the near side of the stage to start group 2.
Group placements continue, and we hear from J-Lo, after a…
Back to part two of Killing Time With A British Twit, starring the asinine Gordon Ramsay. It’s a blind taste test featuring Lauren and Jacob, and I have nothing to add that would be relevant or useful.
From the pathetic to the product placement (Seacrest, in the audience, with a Product Placement Cup in his hand) to the performance – Jennifer Lopez’ “On The Floor” (likely a pre-tape, although they pretended it’s live).
We come back to the sneak preview of J-Lo’s next video (“I’m Into You”) while she’s “changing clothes” in the back… and magically, she’s back in time for us to dim the lights… here we go…
- Jacob gets his recap and his comment from Iovine (“rough night” last night – no, REALLY?). He joins Lauren in group 2.
- Haley is next for the Seacrest recap and Iovine pre-tape (“Haley had to take a risk last night” – no, REALLY? And she’s no lock for the finale, pal). She joins James in group 1.
- Scotty is the last to get his critique. Where he goes will determine tonight’s Bottom Two. Iovine says “his performance (last night) was stellar”. No, REALLY?
- Scotty has never been in the Bottom Two – including tonight. Seacrest admits (sort of) that last week’s apparent bottom two placement with Casey was a trick (“random” order? not likely).
- Seacrest asks Scotty to go stand with the two who he thinks are safe… Scotty declines, so Seacrest brings him over to group… 1. Scotty, Haley, and James are safe.
- Lauren and Jacob are your Bottom Two. Jacob’s 4th time in the Bottom Two/Three, Lauren’s first. That should be a clue.
It’s 8:55pm Eastern. Time to end someone’s season… dim the lights… here we go…
- “After 60 million votes, the person going home tonight is Jacob.” Lauren is safe.
- There’s no real feeling of surprise or shock… it really was Jacob’s time to go home.
- We get the montage, of course, and Jacob takes us out with “A House Is Not A Home”.
It’s Idol’s Final Four – Wednesday night at 8… what the hell they’re going to do with 90 minutes is anyone’s guess… probably more duets as well as two solos each… we’ll find out soon enough. See you then. Happy Cinco!